Sara of First You Must Begin: Having A Merciful Heart

My Mom battled Ovarian Cancer for five years.  In the latter part of those five years, the battle grew increasingly more difficult.  She was always good to put a smile on about the whole affair.  People would ask her how she was feeling and she would give an optimistic response.  I knew differently.  I recall there was one gentleman at church that would say, “How are you, really?”  I guess he was catching on that my Mom wasn’t offering up her true feelings and state of physical well-being.  It wasn’t that she was trying to lie, I think she just thought it best for everyone if they didn’t worry about her.  I suppose I don’t really know what her purpose was in keeping a strong upper lip on the matter.  As I sit here, I wish I could ask her why she kept so many in the dark.  In some ways, I’ve made a conscious decision to do the opposite, but at the same time my default is to put on that ever-smiling face no matter what.

I don’t recall my Mom ever giving me a talk on the matter or raising me to do so, but I guess I learned along the way that the truest and darkest feelings remain private.  Come to think of it, it may have been learned from both of my parents.  My Dad was quite the same.  My parents did not have the healthiest marriage but you would have never known that if you were merely a guest at our family functions.  They were always good to put on smiles and few knew otherwise.

Since I had never really been a private person it wasn’t until the darkest time that I battled depression that I even realized I too hid the pain and ugliness.  It just seems that people don’t want to know the real ugly thoughts we each endure.  So, with those thoughts unshared, they become thoughts of shame and grief.    I chuckle recalling my friend’s remarks when I confided in her about my desperate struggle with depression.  She said, “You’re the happiest depressed person I’ve ever met.”  She was not the only person to make comments along these lines.  People would honestly ask me if I was ever in a bad mood.  If only they knew…

Before I go further, let me say that I do not suggest that we should constantly be putting our dirty laundry out, nor carry around a sour disposition, nor spout to all the woes and heartbreak we feel.  I truly believe that constantly feeding negative thoughts begets more negative thinking.  Perhaps that is one of the reasons my Mom kept her times of sorrow private.  She had an attitude of optimism.

MY LATEST VIDEOS
MY LATEST VIDEOS

In that same breath though, I think it’s important that we allow ourselves to be vulnerable amongst our loved ones.  It’s this misconception that everyone is doing perfectly fine that creates this false feeling to the downtrodden that they are alone in their suffering.  I know that is exactly how I felt when I experienced Postpartum Depression (PPD).  In my eyes, every Mom I had met spoke of an immediate connection with their child and joy beyond compare.  I loved and adored my infant daughter, but I was not experiencing those same feelings that they were describing.  I applaud the first woman who opened up and shared her less-than-positive feelings regarding post childbirth.  It’s that same reason that I have since strived to be open about my own trials.  Since I am, apparently, quite good at hiding my pain during my daily activities, I’ve had to be forward in sharing my true feelings.  Even close friends seem to be baffled when I confess to them that I am barely coping in my daily life.  But, I think it’s important that women, and men, realize that pain and suffering is not set aside just for them individually.  We all must endure and we all must be merciful.

I have had the opportunity to be a listening ear to many women over the past years.  In my efforts to be honest about my challenges, others have felt comfortable in sharing theirs with me.  Some stories included pains I cannot comprehend.  I believe it takes great courage for us to confide in another regarding our deepest suffering.  In my respect for their courage and trust in me, I held their stories private.  But, sadly, I later overheard other women speak unkind words and make judgments regarding these women who had confided in me.  I wanted to shout out, “If only you knew what they were dealing with privately, you would not be so quick to judge.”  So as not to damage the trust that those courageous women had placed in me, I held my tongue.  I simply tried to suggest to the gossiping women that these other women may be dealing with more than they understood.  That experience, more than any other, taught me that we ought not to judge.  Every person has their own story and struggle and rarely, if ever, do we have the whole picture.

I once had the pleasure of spending time with this sweet couple.  The husband was sharing with me how kind-hearted and tender his wife is in everything she does.  He gave the example that even when they’re driving on the road and someone cuts them off, his wife is quick to come up with a myriad of valid reasons as to why the driver did so.  He admitted that he would quickly become agitated until her suggestions of “perhaps they didn’t know it was their turn-off,” “maybe they have a loved one who is ill and needs to get to the hospital,” or simply, “they must be having a hard day” would calm his nerves and change his heart.  When he shared that story, it encouraged me to reconsider people’s unpleasant actions and try to find the unoffensive reasoning behind it.  I once overheard another couple talking about their occasional misunderstandings.  The husband said to his wife, “Whenever I say something, just know that I mean it in the most positive way possible.”  An easy out on his part, but likely true nonetheless.  There are so many ways to interpret actions, aren’t there?  Often we are quick to assume the worst.

What I’m trying to say in sharing my thoughts this month is let’s be slow to judge, quick to find the positive, and courageous enough to be vulnerable from time to time.  In a month that gets so easily hectic, I find it particularly important to do these things.  While the holiday season can bring warm memories and traditions, it can also bring feelings of increased loneliness, worn out demeanors, stressed nerves, and broken hearts.  There need not be shame in these feelings, but there can certainly be peace and hope if we but try to bear one another’s burdens and joys with merciful hearts.

With Love,

Sara

of First You Must Begin


Lisa

Previous author of Over the Big Moon. I shared my passion for home and family life! I love graphic design, DIY projects, cooking, and working in my garden! My favorite role is taking care of my husband and our 3 amazing and busy boys!

Comments (2)

  • I agree, that was beautifully written and so important to say. You’re right that a LOT of us (probably everyone) have difficult times that others don’t know about. None of us is alone in this, and knowing that can help quite a bit.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Exploring all phases of life. 


© Over The Big Moon - All Rights Reserved

The images, tutorials and content on overthebigmoon.com are protected by copyright laws. DO NOT distribute or copy the content or share multiple images (including collage images) without written permission. DO NOT edit, crop, or remove watermarks from any image. For questions contact us at pam@overthebigmoon.com. This site contains affiliate links, which means that I may get a small commission if you decide to purchase anything from suggested companies. I recommend products that I use and love myself or that I think would be a helpful resource. Using these affiliate links to make your purchase helps support Over the Big Moon and allows me to continue to provide you with quality posts. You will not be paying anymore if items are purchased through affiliate links.